Liberation from sexual shame
Let's talk about sex, baby. I fucking love it. But here's the thing: it hasn't always been rainbows and butterflies. For the longest time, I carried shame like a burden, believing that my sexual appetite was somehow wrong, annoying, or obnoxious.
In past relationships, I wrestled with guilt when my desires didn't align with my partner's expectations. I thought there was something inherently flawed about me if my libido didn't match theirs. But you know what? Screw that noise.
There's nothing wrong with loving sex, with craving exploration, with yearning for connection. As long as it's consensual, as long as it brings joy and pleasure, it's all fucking fair game.
So how do you shed the layers of shame society and simply growing up has piled upon you? How do you reclaim your desires, your bodies, your pleasure? It starts with communication. Open, honest, vulnerable communication. These kinds of conversations can come in the form of sharing with safe friends and within partnerships. Depending on how you work, it can look like talking about things in detail before you get more intimate. Or, it can happen during. Let’s say you want your partner to go down on you, but you're scared to ask.
I know firsthand the weight of shame, the sting of judgment. Raised in a religious household where virginity was revered above all else, where sexual assault was met with blame, where masturbation was taboo. I internalized a deep-seated sense of guilt and shame over enjoying pleasure.
The thing about sexual shame, it definitely, isn’t inherent, You were taught it.
The best news is that because it was taught, it can be unlearned. How, you ask?
Here are a few steps to help you move through sexual shame and extract it from your life. It is of the utmost importance that you know dissipating sexual shame takes work and time. This will require you to look at your past, where you pass judgment and dive into what makes you uncomfortable.
Recognize and acknowledge the shame:
Admitting that you feel shame about your sexuality is the first step towards addressing it.
Examine where the sexual shame stems from:
Reflect on where your feelings of sexual shame stem from. It could be cultural, religious, societal, or personal beliefs ingrained over time. (Lets keep in mind that you don’t have to delve too deeply into this if it feels to heavy).
Educate yourself:
Learn about human sexuality, diversity, and the wide range of sexual preferences and behaviors. Understanding that diversity is natural can help reduce feelings of shame.
Practice self-compassion:
Be kind to yourself and recognize that it's okay to have sexual desires and preferences. Treat yourself with the same understanding and acceptance you would offer to a friend.
Explore your sexuality:
Engage in activities or practices that help you connect with your own body and desires, whether it's through self-exploration, reading, or seeking out supportive communities. You can also communicate with a partner that there is something specific you would like to try.
Open communication:
Talk openly and honestly with trusted friends, partners, or professionals about your feelings of shame. Sharing your experiences and listening to others can help you realize that you're not alone and that many people struggle with similar feelings. Find a community that feels good to you.
Challenge societal norms:
Recognize that societal standards around sexuality are often narrow and restrictive. Challenge these norms and embrace your own unique sexual identity and expression. I like to think of it as a pallet and you are free to enjoy any of the parts that tickle your fancy.
Celebrate sexual pleasure:
Embrace and celebrate your own sexual pleasure and that of others. Recognize that consensual sexual experiences can be healthy, fulfilling, and joyful. Also take note that celebrating your sexual pleasure does not mean orgasm. Consider sexual pleasure across a broader spectrum.
Seek professional help:
If feelings of shame are significantly impacting your well-being or relationships, consider seeking support from a therapist or coach (like me), who specializes in sexuality. We can provide individualized guidance, validation, and coping strategies to help you overcome shame and develop a healthier relationship with your sexuality.
So here's to shedding shame, to embracing desire, to owning our sexuality with confidence and pride. Whether you're into vanilla or kink, whether you're exploring solo or with a partner, your desires are valid, your pleasure matters, and you are worthy of love, pleasure, and fulfillment.
XOXO,
Tiffany